


Love Will Remember

by alpasbellame



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellamy Blake - Freeform, Bellarke, Clarke Griffin - Freeform, POV Bellamy Blake, T100, The 100 - Freeform, canonverse, i don't know how to properly tag lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 05:16:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15526854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alpasbellame/pseuds/alpasbellame
Summary: Bellamy reflects on his feelings for Clarke over time. How much she's changed him.





	Love Will Remember

**Author's Note:**

> UHHH so this is my first work--I'm so nervous lmao!!  
> I'd say this is basically Bellarke's evolution through Bellamy's eyes?? Covers mostly everything up until 5x08-I wrote this not too soon after that episode aired. I hope you like!

It shocked Bellamy how hard he'd fallen. _Really_.

When he was young, he'd read all the Greek mythology stories and even some Roman, and as much as he'd loved them, he couldn't grasp the dramatic romance themes/plots. He knew they were called _myths_ for a reason but even so, he knew similar themes were demonstrated in century old books and movies, cliche as ever. But life on the Ark had shown him better. There was no such thing. That much was obvious to him in the way he had no father to look up to, the way his mother seemed drained from the high of being with whoever Octavia's father was, and even more so after she became pregnant. It was obvious in the way many people on the Ark lived like that. He'd see couples so convinced they were deep in love and pledge their hearts to each other, only to be yelling in each other's faces and clawing at each other's throats months--if not weeks, days even-- later. Love was a lie. Love was, alas, a myth in itself.

At least that's what he’d believed then.

He couldn't quite figure out what exactly changed when he touched the ground for the first time. He hadn't really paid much attention to the girl with the fire in her eyes until he _had_ to, until it became clear that she would be an obstacle for his leading plans. He'd hated her at first, with her perfect golden waves and privileged, naive mind. She hadn't lived the hardships he had when they were on the Ark. She didn't know the struggle of having to spare your rations to give to a sibling that wasn't even supposed to exist. She didn't know the typical surge of fear when he heard the door open at any time, terrified it was a guard to come for them. Didn't know what it was like to feel empty even after a wild night with some stranger, staring up at the ceiling and willing answers from it of _Why? Why me?_

So when she walked into _his_ life and tried to tell _him_ how to run things, of course he was a little outraged. But also, somewhere in the back of his bothered mind, he was also a little intrigued.

Clarke Griffin was turning out to be not all what he'd assumed. _She’s something else_ , he’d thought to himself when she'd lectured Finn about trying to take his wristband off, giving Bellamy an idea but capturing his attention nonetheless. _Definitely something else_ , he'd decided after watching her take the blade out of his hands and end Atom's suffering with tears in her eyes and a soft hum in her throat.

He’d tried to hold on to the resentment he had for her, because man was it keeping him going. He was leading just fine with how he was doing. The kids, much as they may have feared him, listened to him. Octavia was a bit off her rockers, but what would he expect from her after 15 years under the floor? She was alive and well, and that was all he could have asked for.

That was _all_ he could ask for, he realized one day. So why stay here? He didn't need these people. They weren't his people. Octavia was. The two of them could leave and never look back, make a life for themselves far away from the stress and troubles of the camp.

And that was his plan, until _she_ showed him that _Wait. Maybe these are my people._ Breathed a little hope back into him with those life changing words as they sat under a tree a few feet away from Dax’s lifeless body, battered and bruised themselves. _I need you, Bellamy. We all need you._ But _she_ needed him? He'd be lying if he said that that didn't make his heart skip a beat, strangely. He'd believed her when she offered him forgiveness, just moments after retching the painful truth from his bloody mouth-- _I'm a monster_. Actually wanted to return to camp and try to keep those delinquent sons of bitches in line, and alive. And how could he have debated leaving her to handle that alone?

So he returned with her, still with that buzzing turmoil of confusion in the back of his mind because he simply _could not_ , for the life of him, figure out why his chest did things differently when he was around her.

But maybe he got an idea of it when she walked away from him, even after he offered her the same forgiveness she'd given him before. And maybe he figured it out when she was finally back in his sight after three months of wondering if she was even alive, and his heart throbbed with so much pain that he was sure it shouldn't feel like this. It shouldn't hurt _this_ much, but damn did it. The haze that had hovered over his mind for so long lifted, and it finally became clear to him that he was in love with Clarke Griffin.

He kept quiet about it of course, because it was nothing important. She didn't need to know because she didn't feel the same, this he was sure of. So he walked away and tried to be okay with the fact that she chose ~~_Her_ ~~ the Grounders over ~~him~~ their people, betraying him all over again. It wasn't easy though.

And he'd tried to hold on to that pain to use it as some kind of barricade for his heart, to protect himself from the way Clarke Griffin made him feel, because he knew it was dangerous for the life they were living. Love gets you killed. He'd seen it too many times before.

But it was hard to stay mad when she stood there next to him, quiet and patient, understanding yet unwavering in his necessary anger. It was hard not to let the weak barricade lift as she wrapped her arms around him and accepted his forgiveness softly and firmly. Hard not to let the inevitable thought drift into his mind that _Fuck, I'm so screwed._

And yet, screwed as he was, he hadn't realized just _how_ screwed he truly was until the last few days before Praimfaya. He'd felt his heart expand time and time again, like when she'd reached for his hand during the blood transfusion, or when she’d thanked him for keeping her alive, surprising him, because of course he did. When she'd rested her cheek on his hand at her shoulder, pouring her pain and tears into that single touch, making him want to do nothing more than wrap her in his arms, kiss her head and tell her that it was okay, it's okay. But he could only run away because the intensity of that want scared the hell out of him. But when she said those words- _She’ll come around and see how special you are-_ he let in to it entirely. He didn't know what exactly he'd intended to say before she cut him off, but it was to let her know.

And when she gave him that speech of what to do shouldn't she make it back in time enough for them to launch, he felt his heart crack again, weep a little. _You need to use this too_ , she'd said, tapping the side of his head lightly. That wasn't something he could fathom, and mostly because he'd never really _had_ to. It was always her by his side. Together. The head and the heart. _I got you for that_ , he’d protested softly, brokenly. What he would do if he lost Clarke Griffin? He hadn't wanted to find out.

But he had, and it was a lot like the tragic, dramatic love stories he'd read and heard about, except she never even knew that he loved her. She died in the most terrible way ever, in a wave of radioactive fire, without an ounce of awareness that she was his Juliet, or his Elizabeth, or whatever epic soulmate from whatever stupid epic romance telling. She was his endgame, except now she wasn't, and now he had to figure out a way to go on without her.

And he did, reluctantly at first, until he remembered her request. _You need to use this too_. It was the least he could do to honor her. So he did. He learned to use his head alongside his heart to keep them all alive on the Ring. And after a good 3 years, he found it in himself to forgive the elephant in the room for all her treacheries and give her a chance, and he was glad that he did. He was happy again, at peace with the memory of the girl he once loved. He could only hope she was somewhere safe, happy and at peace, not somewhere suffering.

So when he got back to Earth, a changed, developed man, far from the Bellamy from six years ago who had been whipped as hell for Princess Wanheda, it was a big blow to find that she was very much alive-- his whole world shattered. He couldn't believe it until he saw her, and then there she was, on the ground in a heap of pain and tears, obviously _not_ happy and at peace. He’d pushed all the screaming thoughts that had raced to his conscious as far back as possible to bargain for her life. He couldn't hold that at bay for too long though- could barely focus well enough for his grave negotiation with Diyoza. Could barely stop from running so fast that he tripped over his feet to get to her, now lying in a cot. And when he felt her in his arms, the reality settled in, and he really realized that _Clarke is alive_. Had been all these years, and he hadn't known.

 _Clarke, you saved us all_ , he choked out. God, she was here. Right here in his arms.

She smiled at that, and it pained him how he'd let it fade from his memory of what it looked like. What it felt like to look at the sun, have it this close.  _Now you're home,_  she’d whispered shakily, and all he could do was nod, his vision blurring as he pulled her back into his arms. Yeah, he was home alright.

In the following days, however, he couldn't shake a the nagging feeling of being out of sync, because besides the first few weeks on Earth, he'd never really known a world where he wasn't in sync with Clarke. But they were on shaky ground now, shakier than ever. There was a kid. Octavia was long gone, replaced with some horror show known as Blodreina who craved blood and war. There was a whole different Spacekru who wanted the valley for just themselves, and not to mention sandstorms carrying parasites.

But even amongst the chaos, Bellamy couldn't help his mind drifting to Clarke. He hated not being able to get a sense of her. He did, a little, but she was so closed off. He had a feeling he'd overstepped too soon by asking how she survived alone. And he had a feeling that Madi wasn't all that'd kept her going when she told him as much, he could see it in the way she avoided his gaze. He figured he had time to figure it out. Figure her out.

And he thought maybe he was beginning to when she called back to the heart and head talk from so long ago, making his heart stir a little. He thought they were almost on the same page when she asked him what his head said and he told her _Same as yours_.

But maybe he'd been wrong. He couldn't read the look she was giving him before he came over and she told him she was leaving too. He couldn't decipher the immediate rush of confusing emotions he felt when she said that, only thought _But I just got you back!_ Didn't have time to say so before they went on a frantic search for Madi. And he couldn't believe her when she agreed, without his consent, right in front of him, to kill his sister. This wasn't the Clarke he remembered.

Was it?

Later, after they’d constructed a better plan, he was in the midst of forgiving Clarke for (once again, the unforgivable) trying to kill his sister. Told her he might have done so himself had it been anyone else. 

_I'm not so sure_ , she'd mumbled doubtfully, catching him off guard. _Maybe the old Bellamy but, not this one_. He'd paused then.  _ The old Bellamy _ .

Well, the old Bellamy had also loved Clarke Griffin with his entire being. But what about this one?

He didn't have time to decipher that either, given that Blodreina had just burst into his tent and taken Clarke in cuffs, deeming her for an execution. It all happened so fast, too fast--he'd just gotten her back, yet only to lose her again? And to death?

He thought back to what his sister had said the other day, when he'd tried to sway her mind away from using the worms in the valley. _Our friends are there. People we love and care about_ , he'd reasoned. Thought back to how she'd shrugged vaguely, passed him an emotionless ' _Acceptable Losses'_.

She wasn't just talking about them. Literally anyone who stood in her way, she'd dismiss them as easily as stepping over a rock. Everyone was an acceptable loss, except--dare he say it--himself.

But not everyone could be an acceptable loss.

And especially not Clarke.

So that's why he went through and promised her to take care of Madi, even though he knew he wouldn’t have to. He already knew what he had to do, even as they dragged her out of the tent and to the holding cell. That's why he took the ration bar from Boldreina and run the poisonous algae over it, her words echoing in his mind. _A traitor who you love._ It was clear to him then that he had never stopped loving Clarke. Six years she was damn well dead to him, and yet.

_A traitor who you love._

Like a wave, it hit him. He wasn't all that far from the Bellamy who'd loved Clarke Griffin with his entire being six years ago. Perhaps he’d never stopped, carrying the memory of her with him everyday, along with his regrets--regrets of not telling her he did love her.

Well he’d be damned if he were gonna let that happen again.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've made it thus far, thank you so much! Be sure to check out some of my other works!


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